When I graduated college 3 years ago, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I moved back to Dallas and the only thing I could think of was to get out as soon as possible. I worked to save money and then I had the opportunity to go to New York summer of 2006, which was what I had always wanted to do. I didn't care what kind of job I had or where I lived, I just wanted to live the adventure. In the middle of my New York adventure, there was a glitch in the plan. A relationship issue, a move to North Carolina, then Virginia and then back to New York at the beginning of the new year.

While in New York, I was going to a church but it never worked for me to be really involved because I worked at night in New Jersey. I was a nanny for a Nigerian family. I thought about going back to school but wasn't really sure. I wanted to do something creative but I also wanted to help people. Living with the family turned out to be so challenging and it only worked out for 6 months. Finally I went back home last summer in 2007.

I worked at the church I grew up in, and I lived at home with my parents. I thought a lot about what I wanted to do and who I was. I guess there's a lot of pressure to be successful and responsible the older you become. To me, I was thinking that "successful" meant normal or accepted. I was trying to grasp on something so that I could catch up with all the other "normal" people, get a normal job, hang out with normal friends, etc. Then fall of 2007 I decided that teaching journalism might be something to think about; I could be creative and help people. I got accepted into a teacher certification program and started working towards that goal. I had to take tests and other things on the way. This last spring, everything started coming together. My parents actually got a job in Colorado and were planning on moving, and I decided to move to Dallas to live with girlfriends. Before my decision to move to Dallas though, I thought about moving to Egypt, New York, Colorado, France and other places. Then when the teaching thing came together, I saw it as an answer that Dallas was the place for me. I got a summer teaching job, then I put in my two weeks notice and left for a vacation to New York City with Jordan Simmons.

We left for New York the day after my last day at the church I had been working at for this past year. While in New York and with Jordan, I was reminded so much of who I really was and realized I can't be afraid to be myself. We met this homeless guy one night and he sang for us. Jordan asked him some questions and he ended up sitting down and talking to us about God. Finally he said, "I have to go now but there's one more thing I want to say..". He said, "Sometimes the things you think are good for you, aren't what you think. And the things you think that are bad for you actually are good for you." I know it seems kind of jumbled but it made so much sense to me.

This summer I worked at a Juvenile Detention Center in South Dallas. I definitely stuck out but I loved working with the students and other teachers. These past couple weeks I've been looking for teaching jobs for the fall, knowing that if I don't get a job for this fall then I will have to be here longer than planned for my teaching program internship (because the internship takes a year and it starts when you get a full-time job in a school).

Yesterday I was talking to my mom on the phone, and she told me to think about substituting. I told her that if I didn't get a job for the fall then I wasn't going to be a teacher because I did not want to be in Dallas for more than a year. Then my mom said, "Well that's kind of putting limitations on God, don't you think? What if you're supposed to be in Dallas?" I was so frustrated and I answered her with, "I hate Texas and I don't even want to be in this country!" My mom then said, "Now Lauren, is that the best attitude to have, saying that you hate Texas?" And then she laughed. After our conversation I thought about substituting a lot and being open to the idea of staying in Texas.

There's a photographer that I used to help out in Dallas right when I moved back home after college (oh yeah, I really love photography). She wanted to train me to eventually help her with her business and be a second photographer, but I wasn't ready to commit to the idea of being in Texas for any time at all so I stopped working with her. Anyway, I contacted her a couple weeks ago and she asked me to come in this morning. She explained to me basically that she still wants to train me on shooting and editing. She also has clients in New York City and is thinking about getting a second apartment to go back and forth.

So, I'm going to substitute teach this year and intern with this photographer. It's so crazy. Finally I've stopped resisting being here in Dallas and everything is falling into place.

My 4th roommate Ally moved in this week and it's so good. Ally and I lose track of time easily. Today we spent the day like this: she read me her journal, we tossed a beanie thing around for a little while and laughed, then we played the piano and then we sat and talked for a couple hours in our narnia closet. I'm thankful because without my family here and with so many dear friends so far away, it's nice to have a friend in the next room that brings so much joy.

Living with 4 friends definitely is awesome but also it's like looking in a mirror sometimes at my selfishness.

I read this yesterday...

every experience of beauty points to (eternity).
-hans urs von balthasar